Tips for Hiking in Iran: Don’t

The recent arrest of three Americans apprehended while hiking around Iran’s lush, desert habitats has prompted nature enthusiasts and parks and recreation officials world wide to issue a stricter set of guidelines for traveling to the region: don’t.  Many of Iran’s majestic mountains, idyllic waterfalls, and lunaresque, cratorial basins can be enjoyed in the privacy of your own home, officials point out, with the aid of Google images or in one of the  many picturesque coffee table books available at your friendly and safe Barnes and Noble or Border’s bookstore. Your friends will still delight in your stories of looking up at the endless canopy of stars in the Middle-Eastern sky or back yard, tucked into your Eastern Mountain Sports thermal bag, sipping some American-made hot chocolate, savoring your freedom from incarceration and diplomatic uncertainty.  Officials assure that family members and other guests will remain rapt, as you describe the breathtaking vistas of some of the headiest of Iran’s summits, downloaded right to your lap top with high speed DSL; they will hang on your every word, comfortably, without the nuisance of an angry Iranian guard pointing a prison made shiv at your throat, threatening to detonate the bomb strapped to his body.  All the memories you manufacture with the help of photoshop will be yours to treasure for years to come until you peacefully pass away like the old lady at the end of Titanic and not chained to a dirty toilet in an underground prison while a rat gnaws your face off.

Cheerleading Labeled More Dangerous Sport than Bear Bating

It’s a staple of American football and basketball games; a group of perky young girls in short skirts waving their pom-poms, inciting a riot in the name of team spirit and the hometown advantage. According to a newly published study, cheerleading is more than part of America’s past time, it is one of the nation’s most deadliest sports.  The cheerleader’s acromantic twists, turns, leaps, and gyrations are a chiropractor’s wet dream, but that is not the only menace created by this titillating spectacle.  Cheerleading is harmful to spectators watching young, nubile girls spin, dip, hurl, and bend with the freakish grace of a Barbie doll, waiting on the off chance that there might be a flash of illicit cheek or a nippular incident.  The hapless game goer, trying not to look too leeringly obvious, trying to nervously dab at the flop sweat pooling in the collar of his shirt as he worries he might be sitting next to the angry looking hulk of a cheerleader’s father, experiences increased heart rate, a surge in blood pressure, and might even go into epipletic shock trying to avert his gaze from the 30 springing, flinging, kicking, and flashing girls filling the court or field.  No moves have been made to ban the sport, but in an effort to make cheering more safe, the National Association of Spirit Hands (NASH) is launching a comprehensive campaign to recruit less attractive, out of shape, unpopular girls to cheering squads across the country.

John and Kate Gosselin Fearful that No One Actually Gives a Crap

Conservative Talk Show Host Rush Limbaugh Drops 90 lbs! Weight loss Fuels Speculation Republican Icon is Actually Living Jello Mold

For a man who likes to flap his gums, radio personality Rush Limbaugh remains tight lipped on his recent 90 lb drop in girth, including 7lbs in one week.  Health and dietary experts remain skeptical the big, gooey, lovable ignoramus lost the weight using healthy methods.  Many suspect cosmetic surgery or good, old fashioned voo-doo came into play.  Others give voice to what several factions already suspect: Limbaugh’s gelatinous exterior was just that–jello, proving that while there is always room for jello, there might not always be a stomach for it.

Kim Jong Il and Clinton Dish Jo Bros, Twilight, and American Journalists at First Royal Sleep-Over

In an unprecedented move, N. Korean leader Kim Jong Il hosted former president Bill Clinton in a sleep-over to discuss the release of American journalists sentenced to 12 years in a labor camp for allegedly spying on the N. Korean government.  The pair watched the complete 3 seasons of Blossom, ordered sushi-pizza, and made prank calls to Queen Elizabeth.  A tense moment ensued when Jong Il became incensed that Mr. Clinton had texted Lindsay Lohan to tell her Jong Il thought she was “smokin,” but all was forgiven in the name of pajama diplomacy.

E-volveIn what is being hailed as one of the biggest upsets in media history since O.J. Simpson’s white bronco chase eclipsed NASA’s successful communication with another planet, coverage of Supreme Court nominee Judge Sotomayer’s confirmation hearings have trumped everything-post-mortem about Michael Jackson.  With news sites and blogs devoted to Sotomayer’s grammar, hairstyle, hand gestures, and favorite kind of ice cream (Ben and Jerry’s Americone Dream, duhh), the late King of Pop and what he may have had for breakfast the morning he died (Kashi Go Lean, duhh) has virtually disappeared from the news wires.  Self-appointed Jackson spokesperson and lovable family curmudgeon, Joe “Gestapo” Jackson voiced his outraged that the first, female Latina judge in the court’s history would receive more coverage than his freak of nature, rubber-faced, Nosferatu pop star son.  “What’s wrong with people,” Jackson demanded, “I have a hand-written letter from Michael to Bubbles the Chimp and a credible theory that the CIA and Cosa Nostra were behind Michael’s death, which I am willing to part with for several million dollars, and some broad in a black bathrobe gets all the headlines? This is a travesty of justice.”  As if to add insult to injury for the bereaved Jackson patriarch, sources say that sales of bumper stickers reading “Wise Latina On Board” have greatly surpassed commemorative Jackson memorial programs.

A man was killed this week when his car plunged over the side of the Grand Canyon.  A representatative for the McGoo family could not be reached for comment.

Police are investigating the suspicious demise of President Obama’s long-time teleprompter.  Andrew Malcolm of the Los Angeles Times reported on the incident occurring on July 13 in Washington D.C. “As the president launched into his 11 minutes of stimulating remarks, according to eyewitnesses, the old teleprompter simply expired, came loose, fell silently as if in movie slow motion before the stunned eyes of watchers and smashed into many pieces on the hard floor.”  Though no one has been directly implicated in the incident, possible suspects include Power Point, Slide Projector, that guy from the Mac commercials, and Karl Rove.  Authorities are not ruling out suicide as a potential motive.  One D.C. policeperson commented, on the condition of anonymity, “If you had to spend your life spewing out the same ten words over and over to make some other guy look great, you might decide to end things too.”  Investigators are also conducting a thorough search of Teleprompter’s locker, looking for illegal wires, chips, or other forms of digital enhancement.

Liz Cheney, the daughter of former Vice President Dick “Buck Shot” Cheney defended her father’s rumored implication in keeping clandestine C.I.A operations secret from Congress.  Insisting he did nothing wrong or illegal, Ms. Cheney hailed her father for helping to keep America safe for eight years.  Cheney, a former state department employee, is also the proud owner of lake front property in Arizona, a bridge in Brooklyn, and traditionally leaves carrots and sweet treats for Santa and his reindeer.

A new USA Today gallop poll published this week reveals the GOP needs a boost to its self-esteem.  The GOP has blamed its poor self-esteem on its nagging mother and stress eating.

Pop superstar Madonna was recently given the go-ahead to adopt a young Malawi child.  This brings the Angelina/Madonna Baby Adopt-Off total to 5-3.  Madonna expressed her desire to give the child a loving home.  A loving home? Maybe, if that includes being raised by an overbearing narcissistic mother who sleeps in an oxygen chamber and whose idea of discussing the facts of life is giving her daughter her Sex book to read.  But hey, it will give her and Suri Cruise something to talk about in group therapy.

June 12, 2009 marks the historical media transition from analogue to digital t.v.  Those without a digital converter box will no longer receive television transmissions and may be forced to interact with friends and families.  In a related story, analogue t.v. will finally be available in Russia.  Russians have been forming lines around the t.v. store since 1975.

An unidentifiable spokesperson for N. Korea indicated that Kim Jong Il’s youngest son, Kim Jong Un, has been given the name “Brilliant Comrade,” indicating the start of a new transition to power.  Other names that did not make the cut: Kick Ass Dictator, Wacky Jong Un ’69, and Ashton Kutcher

Former President George H.W. Bush will spend his 85th birthday sky diving.  Son George W was invited to parachute alongside his father, but declined saying “Are you serious? Why on earth would anyone want to throw himself out of a plane on purpose?”

A German teen was hit in the head by a pebble-sized meteorite.  The teen was unphased by the incident as he had been following the meteorite on Twitter.

A new low-cost Florida-based airline will start offering seats for $9.00. It will cost people $350 if they want the rest of the plane.

On the heels of news that N. Korea issued a nuclear test and fired two test missiles, the U.S. accused the country of “provocative and belligerent behavior.”  In turn N. Korea accused the U.S. of being fat, lazy, booger faced dink-wads.

A woman who called 911 to report she and her daughter had been abducted has been charged with making a false report and identity theft, authorities said Wednesday. Bonnie Sweeten, 38, told authorities Tuesday afternoon that she and 9-year-old Julia Rakoczy were kidnapped after two black men in a Cadillac hit the rear of her SUV in Upper Southampton, north of Philadelphia.   The Reverend Al Sharpton condemned the racial politics of this case saying, “Oh what? So now that we have an African-American president, all black men drive Cadillacs?”

An alarming 11 suicides have occurred at Fort Campbell since January 2009.  In a speech to the 101st Airborne division, Brig. Gen. Stephen J. Townsend warned cadets against suicide stating, “It’s bad for soldiers, it’s bad for families, bad for your units, and bad for this division.”  Other behaviors the army frowns upon: not washing your hands after using the bathroom, having sex with your friend’s fiancé, and getting shot in the face by Dick Cheney.

In a CNN interview, Gov. Schwarzenegger called conservative radio talk show icon Rush Limbaugh the 650 lb Gorilla of the Republican party.  In a related story, Gorillas began to distance themselves from Rush Limbaugh.  Their obvious differences: sobriety and the ability to stop flinging feces at one another.

Scientists recently discovered what they describe as a “big blob” beneath the Great Basin, which stretches from Nevada into parts of Utah.  The large, cylindrical blob of material, “dripping like honey,” is believed to be a “lithospheric drip formed between 15 and 20 million years ago.  In a related story, lithospheric drips have agreed to embrace Rush Limbaugh as their national spokesperson.  Their obvious similarities: they are both corrosive blobs, leeching off the earth’s resources.

The Germans know a thing or two about making a public spectacle, World War II aside.  This fall plans are in place to symbollically recreate the fall of the Berlin wall to commemorate the 20th anniversary of its destruction.  One-thousand Styrofoam dominoes, 8-feet high and 3-feet wide, will topple on the historical day when, twenty years prior, Germans declared their love for Big Macs and the Gap and ripped into the concrete divider to the soaring strains of Herr Hasselhoff.  The dominoes will be decorated in different themes and styles by grade school children, commemorating the fall of communism and the continuation of global warming in the destruction of 1,000 Styrofoam dominoes.

But enviro-terrorism and the luring of the Hoff out of pop music retirement not withstanding, these wacky Germans have unknowingly given us a new and even more satisfying way to shake our collective fists at the inequities and injustices consuming the American financial industry: knocking shit down.  It’s that simple. Sorry mid-western tea baggers, you know who you are: the faithful lemmings of Faux err Fox News, making your wagon-trail way to state capitals to boldly fling (pinkies extended everyone..on three..) your tiny netted bags of defiance, your kind of peaceful assembly is so eighteenth century.  Economically frustrated times call for some package stimulation in the form of knocking shit down!

People went nuts when Saddam Hussein’s concrete body took a dirt dive into the Iraqi sand.  When the rebel army in Star Wars brought those big, tin dinosaur beasts crashing to their knees with the ole cable-foot-tangle-tango, the whole movie theatre lost its collective 1985 shit.  What rube worth his welfare check doesn’t leave his spam sandwich on his tv tray to run out and watch some morons knock over a cow in the middle of the night?

I say, hitch up the trailer and move that dunk tank that you and your buddies lifted from the church carnival last fall in a drunken haze to the capital’s steps, dig a mannequin out of the dumpster and slap a smug-looking Madoff mug shot on it, and invite folks to give Bernie a bath.  Rig up some AIG pinatas and make a Cinqo de Money-o party of it; have the neighbors come over to drink margaritas,take a swing, and indulge in some public lewd behavior.  Build a bowling lane on the sidewalks of Wall St. and each day roll a different corporate giant’s ball at some pins painted in little pin-striped suits with pink slips wrapped around their necks.  Doesn’t that feel good? Doesn’t neandrathalic superiority make you want to scratch yourself and jump around like the chimps at the beginning of Kubrick’s 2001?

You won’t get your money or your job back, but it sure will give you a reason to smile; and if you do this right, you just might get Hasselhoff to come out of retirement.