A new USA Today gallop poll published this week reveals the GOP needs a boost to its self-esteem.  The GOP has blamed its poor self-esteem on its nagging mother and stress eating.

Pop superstar Madonna was recently given the go-ahead to adopt a young Malawi child.  This brings the Angelina/Madonna Baby Adopt-Off total to 5-3.  Madonna expressed her desire to give the child a loving home.  A loving home? Maybe, if that includes being raised by an overbearing narcissistic mother who sleeps in an oxygen chamber and whose idea of discussing the facts of life is giving her daughter her Sex book to read.  But hey, it will give her and Suri Cruise something to talk about in group therapy.

June 12, 2009 marks the historical media transition from analogue to digital t.v.  Those without a digital converter box will no longer receive television transmissions and may be forced to interact with friends and families.  In a related story, analogue t.v. will finally be available in Russia.  Russians have been forming lines around the t.v. store since 1975.

An unidentifiable spokesperson for N. Korea indicated that Kim Jong Il’s youngest son, Kim Jong Un, has been given the name “Brilliant Comrade,” indicating the start of a new transition to power.  Other names that did not make the cut: Kick Ass Dictator, Wacky Jong Un ’69, and Ashton Kutcher

Former President George H.W. Bush will spend his 85th birthday sky diving.  Son George W was invited to parachute alongside his father, but declined saying “Are you serious? Why on earth would anyone want to throw himself out of a plane on purpose?”

A German teen was hit in the head by a pebble-sized meteorite.  The teen was unphased by the incident as he had been following the meteorite on Twitter.