Tips for Hiking in Iran: Don’t

The recent arrest of three Americans apprehended while hiking around Iran’s lush, desert habitats has prompted nature enthusiasts and parks and recreation officials world wide to issue a stricter set of guidelines for traveling to the region: don’t.  Many of Iran’s majestic mountains, idyllic waterfalls, and lunaresque, cratorial basins can be enjoyed in the privacy of your own home, officials point out, with the aid of Google images or in one of the  many picturesque coffee table books available at your friendly and safe Barnes and Noble or Border’s bookstore. Your friends will still delight in your stories of looking up at the endless canopy of stars in the Middle-Eastern sky or back yard, tucked into your Eastern Mountain Sports thermal bag, sipping some American-made hot chocolate, savoring your freedom from incarceration and diplomatic uncertainty.  Officials assure that family members and other guests will remain rapt, as you describe the breathtaking vistas of some of the headiest of Iran’s summits, downloaded right to your lap top with high speed DSL; they will hang on your every word, comfortably, without the nuisance of an angry Iranian guard pointing a prison made shiv at your throat, threatening to detonate the bomb strapped to his body.  All the memories you manufacture with the help of photoshop will be yours to treasure for years to come until you peacefully pass away like the old lady at the end of Titanic and not chained to a dirty toilet in an underground prison while a rat gnaws your face off.

Cheerleading Labeled More Dangerous Sport than Bear Bating

It’s a staple of American football and basketball games; a group of perky young girls in short skirts waving their pom-poms, inciting a riot in the name of team spirit and the hometown advantage. According to a newly published study, cheerleading is more than part of America’s past time, it is one of the nation’s most deadliest sports.  The cheerleader’s acromantic twists, turns, leaps, and gyrations are a chiropractor’s wet dream, but that is not the only menace created by this titillating spectacle.  Cheerleading is harmful to spectators watching young, nubile girls spin, dip, hurl, and bend with the freakish grace of a Barbie doll, waiting on the off chance that there might be a flash of illicit cheek or a nippular incident.  The hapless game goer, trying not to look too leeringly obvious, trying to nervously dab at the flop sweat pooling in the collar of his shirt as he worries he might be sitting next to the angry looking hulk of a cheerleader’s father, experiences increased heart rate, a surge in blood pressure, and might even go into epipletic shock trying to avert his gaze from the 30 springing, flinging, kicking, and flashing girls filling the court or field.  No moves have been made to ban the sport, but in an effort to make cheering more safe, the National Association of Spirit Hands (NASH) is launching a comprehensive campaign to recruit less attractive, out of shape, unpopular girls to cheering squads across the country.

John and Kate Gosselin Fearful that No One Actually Gives a Crap

Conservative Talk Show Host Rush Limbaugh Drops 90 lbs! Weight loss Fuels Speculation Republican Icon is Actually Living Jello Mold

For a man who likes to flap his gums, radio personality Rush Limbaugh remains tight lipped on his recent 90 lb drop in girth, including 7lbs in one week.  Health and dietary experts remain skeptical the big, gooey, lovable ignoramus lost the weight using healthy methods.  Many suspect cosmetic surgery or good, old fashioned voo-doo came into play.  Others give voice to what several factions already suspect: Limbaugh’s gelatinous exterior was just that–jello, proving that while there is always room for jello, there might not always be a stomach for it.

Kim Jong Il and Clinton Dish Jo Bros, Twilight, and American Journalists at First Royal Sleep-Over

In an unprecedented move, N. Korean leader Kim Jong Il hosted former president Bill Clinton in a sleep-over to discuss the release of American journalists sentenced to 12 years in a labor camp for allegedly spying on the N. Korean government.  The pair watched the complete 3 seasons of Blossom, ordered sushi-pizza, and made prank calls to Queen Elizabeth.  A tense moment ensued when Jong Il became incensed that Mr. Clinton had texted Lindsay Lohan to tell her Jong Il thought she was “smokin,” but all was forgiven in the name of pajama diplomacy.

A new low-cost Florida-based airline will start offering seats for $9.00. It will cost people $350 if they want the rest of the plane.

On the heels of news that N. Korea issued a nuclear test and fired two test missiles, the U.S. accused the country of “provocative and belligerent behavior.”  In turn N. Korea accused the U.S. of being fat, lazy, booger faced dink-wads.

A woman who called 911 to report she and her daughter had been abducted has been charged with making a false report and identity theft, authorities said Wednesday. Bonnie Sweeten, 38, told authorities Tuesday afternoon that she and 9-year-old Julia Rakoczy were kidnapped after two black men in a Cadillac hit the rear of her SUV in Upper Southampton, north of Philadelphia.   The Reverend Al Sharpton condemned the racial politics of this case saying, “Oh what? So now that we have an African-American president, all black men drive Cadillacs?”

An alarming 11 suicides have occurred at Fort Campbell since January 2009.  In a speech to the 101st Airborne division, Brig. Gen. Stephen J. Townsend warned cadets against suicide stating, “It’s bad for soldiers, it’s bad for families, bad for your units, and bad for this division.”  Other behaviors the army frowns upon: not washing your hands after using the bathroom, having sex with your friend’s fiancé, and getting shot in the face by Dick Cheney.

In a CNN interview, Gov. Schwarzenegger called conservative radio talk show icon Rush Limbaugh the 650 lb Gorilla of the Republican party.  In a related story, Gorillas began to distance themselves from Rush Limbaugh.  Their obvious differences: sobriety and the ability to stop flinging feces at one another.

Scientists recently discovered what they describe as a “big blob” beneath the Great Basin, which stretches from Nevada into parts of Utah.  The large, cylindrical blob of material, “dripping like honey,” is believed to be a “lithospheric drip formed between 15 and 20 million years ago.  In a related story, lithospheric drips have agreed to embrace Rush Limbaugh as their national spokesperson.  Their obvious similarities: they are both corrosive blobs, leeching off the earth’s resources.