Today the World Health Organization, (WHO? right. The World Health Organization. oh WHO. I just said…that must go on for hours at their meetings) announced that they were changing the name of the swine flu after the world’s bovine population complained that it was spurring on a mass genocide of pig-slaughtering. Pigs, they pointed out, do not deserve persecution based on their messy eating habits, general unhygienic tendencies, or because they taste so fucking good roasted over slow flame. Mistakenly attributing the recent flu epidemic to pigs, again they pointed out, merely exacerbated the already tense climate of anti-bovitic bias that runs rampant through parts of the world and in any upscale urban neighborhood where neo-vegetarians and enviro-friendly communities abound.
WHO rechristend the virus formerly know as swine as: H1N1 Influenza A. At a press conference, a spokesperson for H1 stated, “Though we sympathize with the pigs, we’re a bit unhappy with this designation. It doesn’t read well on bumper stickers or t-shirts, and we’re tried to get some good puns or sexual inuendos out of it, but so far have come up empty handed.” The spokesperson continued, “And if this weren’t bad enough, we were really close to talking with Warner Bros on a Porky Pig celebrity tie-in. Now, the most we can hope for is some lame sponsorship on Sesame Street or a guest shot on Scrabble All-Stars.”
WHO officials stand by their decision to rename what Fox News is calling the deadliest germ outbreak since Pamela Anderson’s thong collection went up for auction. One representative for the agency who did not wish to be named commented: “Once people started going after the pigs, we knew we had to do something. I mean, we didn’t want another Iraqi Yellow Fever on our hands.”